Friday, 29 January 2016

Howdy 37




*deep breath*

So I turned 37 last Tuesday. I was rushing home on Monday happily because you know it was my birthday eve and yey,  I managed to get out of my office in time before somebody kills my mood, when suddenly, I received waves and waves of messages from the Royal Highness. 

I replied that I was on the move, I will do it when I am out from the crowd. NO, came the reply. NOW. URGENT. RIGHT NOW. 

I grit my teeth, suddenly I felt warm, angry stinging tears burning my eyes. Overwhelmed, I sobbed uncontrollably WHILE still doing what I was requested for.




You see the past few weeks have been like this - typing urgent letters to be delivered personally before a certain stipulated time, running to offices after offices, big bosses' homes, liaising with the drivers to pick 'important' people from the airport at wee hours, lots after office hours callings, texts, emails. I am even eating and drinking on the move.


Hopefully, at the same time, I create some sexy sleek calves and qualify for some serious Marathons like the Boson or somethin' somethin' from too much running around UNDER a short period of time, mind you. Bahaha.





The company drivers and I are now officially best friends. We bro bros now. 
We execute our mission well. Well done soljar.

That Monday itself amidst me arranging for some big ass meeting for the evening, I received a call from The Kid's driver that nobody came down to pick her up. My senses went off. Like what happen to my parents? What if something happened to BOTH of them! I called both of them like mad. No pick ups. After the bajillion ringings, Dad picked up and he was far away from where Darya's bus was. He made a rush back home. At the same time, The Mothership returned my call in a panicky, frantic mode. She flew downstairs, kept muttering YA ALLAH, DARYA!!

Then a call from the bus driver saying my dad collapsed. My brains went on red alert. I called The Husband in a panicky mode and I kept going HOW! OMG, I AM SO TIRED! HOW!!? He calmed me down and offered to sneak out to check on the situation at home.

30 minutes later, a call from him saying all was well. Dad refused to go to the clinic when offered. So The Husband left it as that.

That night my Dad complained of chest pains...

I am very sure I was extremely exhausted from all those 'missions' hence the sobbings like a baby under the void deck. No break for birthday girl here, please? Came back home, with obvious puffed up eyes and red nose, The Mothership asked what happened and then I bawled again. After that there was some incident at home, I excused myself, dragged the kids along with me and got me some fresh air. 

*exhaled* 

By midnight, I know I have to get it off my system. I and The Husband battled it out over Call of Duty - AW. It really felt good letting it off...although he killed me a couple of times.

My birthday morning was spent forcing my dad to go to the clinic. We got an X-ray done to clear that nothing was wrong with him since he was complaining that he couldn't breathe well but the doc gave an all clear sign.

*heave sigh of relief*

That afternoon, The Kid insisted on following so that she can buy me a birthday cake (the money which she asked her Nenek from. tsk tsk tsk). When we were at IMH, I was explaining to her that this is a hospital, a different one which specialised in the mental health area. Something to do with the brains. She asked 'oh so your brains in pain is it?' Haha. 

So long story short, the psychiatrist diagnosed me with Panic Disorder. Off I go to see my Psychologist to help manage my PD. Hello June, once again.

Was drained out the next day back at work. More screamings and negative vibes caused me to crash and burn. I was found face down not wanting to do anything. The Kid came over and prodded my right cheek. 'Umi, are you still crying' I muffled a no, I am not. I am just extremely tired from work. 'Is it because your brain still in pain?' Sobs. Concerned daughter over there. Sobs. She covered me with her blanket, patted my head then walk off to report to her Nenek. I swear I could have bawled my eyes like a baby but I was too tired to even shed a tear. 

Here's to better days.

*raise up a cup of blended veggies and fruits The Mothership made*

Wednesday, 20 January 2016

Running Away, Again.


The PoopingSquad (3 moms and 1 dad) made plans to go Hong Kong in December last year but since the rest couldn't agree on the dates; and since we kept changing the plans and I also need to wait for The Husband's leaves to be approved before I send out my leaves; we decided to abandon Hong Kong. (ok, that was a mouthful! *breathes out*) For those who have known how I travel, I like planning trips at the very last minute.  So, I opened up another invite for those who are interested in joining me to Bali in late November. Initially, it was just my fam and mom. It was a special year-end thank you trip for taking care of the kids. Of course, most of them couldn't make it due to the eleventh-hour planning. Was ecstatic when Milla (equally known for her random moments as well hah!) announced a week before the trip that she is headed for the same place! So woohooo to meeting up. Finally no longer P trips! (You know Phangan, Phuket, Perth...) 

Some last minute planning of driving around Bali was in the itinerary. With kids, our trips nowadays are more of free and easy (free?! easy?! you got to be kidding me!). We plan as we go. So renting a van for 2 days, we headed for Uluwatu and Ubud. We had talks about headed up to Singarajah but I wouldn't want to place a bet on that. I had my usual motion sickness that the Dramamine I took knocked me out a couple of times. I woke up like a zombie. 

It was a good laid back trip with good company. We tried to let go. We really do.

Thank you for taking care of the kids when I really was exhausted and looking after me, Gangster. Much loves.

ps: the boy failed once again on board with his endless tireless screaming that The Husband announced a ban on flying till god knows when *sobs like a baby*

pps: ...but he didn't mention if he will be on those flights right??  *smirk*


Monday, 18 January 2016

Wait, I Missed The Countdown!

Oh hey.

I had a crazy, mad first week of the year. It's all good until it affected my weekends and family time that is. Pfft. I am avoiding the word 'busy'. I shall now replace it with something else. 

Maybe I should use a word replacement for the word BUSY.  Haha be more positive ey? BUSY sounds so negative don’t you agree?  Macam kene stonewalled when people ask you HEY HOW ARE YOU.  Then you get a reply BUSY LAH.  Then you feel "and soooo? oh okaaay..." Ahhahaha You get what I’m saying tak? 

SO these are my reasons.  Ahahaha!

-Buried with work...seriously to the extent of working overnight and weekends too. I apologise kids for ignoring you when I am focused with doing my work. *hung head low*

-Over freaking flowing with obligations at home and kids. Time management failure over the weekend especially when The Husband is out of town.

-I am still finding my balance and center of work, be a mother, be a wife, be a daughter as well as be a friend. ANNNND touching base with being a sister to my kid bro and sis.

So how? That sounded better right?  I feel the word ‘busy’ sounded like a conversation stopper.  So I am going to practice un-using that word.  

Going back to Facebook got me swarmed with mixed emotions. But let's not make it into MY feelings sooooo. Again it all comes down to expectations. I did not expect THAT to happen. Like I said I lose friends on a yearly basis anyway. Sad but true. Ok I lied, not really sad. Life goes on. I did try, don't say I never.



SAPA SURUH REACTIVATE FACEBOOK KAO! PANDAI. PADAN MUKA.


Speaking of which, but because of Facebook, I made full use of it to get my mission to reconnect with friends happen. 





 

 

 


 



We got ourselves an all girls hangout session on Christmas Eve and woo to reconnecting more favorite people and not camp in my bat cave all the time yey.
Kids have been falling sick one after another. Darya is now in the morning session which is soooo much easier for me to handle. She comes back home by school bus. I do hope this arrangement will ease the burden I put on my Mom. 

Husband is currently flying back from KL - the first job of the year for him. He's headed for Dubai end month till mid-February. 

I went for a job interview the first few days of January BUUUUT I failed badly for my test. No excuse to let my anxiety took over me, I was jittery as a Junebug while doing my 3 hours test. Boo to me but I would like to thank Ekyn for giving me the opportunity, though! Thanks love.

First order of business for 2016 is to sell the house off. Ok actually still a long way to go but no harm trying to understand the market and get a rough estimation of how much Kachings$ we will say goodbye to and how much hello we will be getting.  Also, no harm catching up with and old schoolmate who is now our official agent haha. Expecting to start marketing the house by the end of the year. 



Serious adult business going on here.











Then the old boy turns 37 on the 12th.

May Allah grant you with abundance of wealth and good health (we need this bro bro), patience (oh hell yes we need this. but alamak blasphemous tak say HELL in the doa hahaha) calm (towards your wife insanity moment) and peace of mind (because you know it does get crazy here) May you be abundant in love and laughter with your loved ones (me especially ok hahahahah!) May Allah bless our marriage and make us closer to HIM. I pray that you will be granted with hidayah and be my Imam and guide me in this life. May we both be blessed with common sense to deal with problems that we may face as swift as a ninja. Ameen Ameen Ameen. 




 






Happy birthday Sayangoo, got surprise coming your way when you head back home hahahaha. Wa got many Sayang Sayang for you hor eventhough you have your irritating days (i am sure i have many too bahahahhaha).



Here's to an awesome year ahead.

2015 was crazy. An uneventful episode at the start of the year as well as the end.  To the friends lost in 2015, I wish you well. For friends staying on, let's work this relationship out to be better and stronger. Insyaallah Ameen!


FOR PEACE! FOR PEACE!

Sunday, 10 January 2016

What's Shaking, June Bug

And what's shaking with my anxiety. This post may be cliche but I need to say it out ONE MORE TIME.

Still learning how to manage it. Reading a lot on how to control it but I feel sometimes the people closest to me are not really aware of what I am going through. I wish I could find the switch button to turn it off. I cannot stop these physical manifestations of my anxiety as much as I try. I chose to take flight and that is when the attacks get messed up. I swear I tried to stay calm but I can't.  

How to when it felt as if I had a heart attack, each time I try to breathe my chest hurts so bad. As if I am drowning but without water, as if I was being strangled, as if somebody stabbed me in the back, as if it wasn't me, I will be so disoriented for a good 15-30minutes tops. All these symptoms are making me confused, so for the love of god, how to stay calm and don't panic as you kindly advised? The thing is it HURTS me physically.

The chest pain.
The light headedness and the whole place suddenly move and I have trouble controlling myself from collapsing.
That sudden black out and blinking yourself repetitively to stay awake. 
The vomiting.
The stomach aches. You know the fear of me accidentally pooping and peeing myself is hard to control hahaha. I kid you know this is real here.

I want to un-panic myself but I can't. My mind and body are working towards a different direction. 

The worst ever feeling is for me trying to control my panic attack while I am in public...just so I don't embarrass myself in the presence of humans.

You know how you freak out when, say you can't swim or afraid of heights?? Well, multiply that fear by infinity and beyond. Imagine a bomb setting off and you are stuck in a room? That's the feeling I get. I need to get OUT NOW.

So you see me avoiding crowds if possible (I even walk the longest route to work just so I won't rub shoulders with the people rushing for work) and trying my best to get distracted if I had to be (like in a super packed train).

Believe me, when I say it can just come even when I was doing nothing. Or anything that can cause me to start hyperventilating. Hello, it attacked me during my sleep remember?

I don't need advice without any action. I rather you take me out for a long walk or get me teas instead of coffees (bahahhahaha k). Seriously, it's easy to say all those words but sumpah aku tak boleh buat. (translation: i swear it's tougher to do) ahhahaa. 

I just need you to understand know what I am going through that's all. My fault too when I expected people to understand what is going on so thank you, I will learn to have lesser expectations because that equalises to lesser disappointments. 

I know it's hard and sometimes confusing but thank you for being there for me. I know you mean well. I am grateful. I am thankful.

Distract me when I am in pain, that is all I ask for you to do. 

I know it may seem as if I am exaggerating or being a drama queen about this but I have to accept this fact that my loved ones may not understand what I am going through. It's not that I am sitting back and not doing anything about it. That is why I am working my ass to make myself feel better about this. 

Don't fret. I got this. 




Sunday, 27 December 2015

Ammar Rafael Turns Nine