Saturday, 29 August 2015

We Were Fallen Warriors

 It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages. - Friedrich Nietzsche

Series of recent incidents that happened makes me understand deeper into my own past tragic kingdom.  We were broken warriors, bruised, battered and wounded in the same boat.  We may fight different wars but we are headed the same way; to a better mental health.

Of course there are some people who may not understand the pain we are going through. Some of us we are still fighting the battle and trying to stay afloat.  We are almost drowning, after this boat we are on, capsized many times over.  

And yet, again we fix the boat and continue with our journey.  

We hear words like:

"attention seeking"
"drama queen"
"you are in your own little world"
"it's all in your head"
"snap out of it"

We wish it was that simple - to snap in and out of it. 

Those words goddamn hurt. 

All we need are support and shoulders to lean on. Instead we get pushed away.  We lost the life savers we thought we could cling on.  Spiraling downwards, we became lost, became angry, sometimes we get violent.

Why leave us at the time we need them the most!?

We are broken, we need fixing.

Don't leave us dead.

Once upon a time that was me. I am still fighting when that dark naggy feeling comes crawling. I am still learning to manage it.  I am battling this since I was in my teens. 

I didn't know what and why I do certain things when I got angry. I was angry all my life.

Then along came my husband. He helped fix me and make me feel better. I was happy to have him around me.  He is my good vibe.

I wouldn't lie that sometimes I feel as if I lost him. I will scramble around, clawing to get back in. I don't know what to do. This choking, drowning feeling wrapping around me. 

I struggled to break away. 

I find distractions. 


Yes family is important, my friends are too. They were there for me once upon a time.  

mission put a smile on a dear girlfriend over lunch.

It gives me joy to bring smiles to my broken warriors. 

To be around them. 

Laughter makes it a whole lot better.

It makes ME a feel like a better person.


a time bomb ticking. 
will you help detonate it?

To my warrior brothers and sisters, if Allah wills it, I will be there for you too. 

i aim to reconnect with the ones i treasure, 
one by one.

So to the chosen life savers, if you have drowning friends or loved ones; please lend them a hand. Throw them that bouys, save them. Don't leave them struggling alone.

What matters most is your presence.

... and oh, ice creams and cakes too thank you!


eat me, eat me my friend

Friday, 28 August 2015

Ammar Rafael Turns Five

Wednesday, 26 August 2015

Here Comes The Funk

T'was a hot and sunny Chai Chee day, the kids were being cranky and whiny.  Screaming crying kids and my head was throbbing so bad from the noise! This Umi felt stifled. I feel so worn out.  Before this Umi turned into a Mom-ster, I need to walk out of the house.

So I packed the kids, the tent, some books and off we go...down the park right in front of my block to pitch the tent. 

Hot and sunny day.  I can feel the funk coming at me. I was so lethargic.  I have no mood to do anything else. I no longer have the confidence in taking the kids out when I am holding the fort solo.  The last that happened, it didn't go down too well so I guess taking them around the neighborhood works the same eh? Haha. Well, I will soon one day. But now, it's just somewhere nearby.

Getting the big kid involved. Reading and then she did her own style.  She is her own person. She doesn't like engaging with her brother that much. I have to guide her gently to talk to her brother and read to him...of course on repeat mode. The brother, however, looks up to her.  He will wiggle and kicks his legs up in excitement if he sees her around. I caught him saying YA! YA! haha I figured that's short for Darya? Err. 

yey finally a nice shot of us. 
yea, after bazillion shots taken that is!

laying down and doing nothing is fun for my mental health. ahhahah



Ok go.

I feel better already

Saturday, 22 August 2015

Liebster Award Episode 2015

Emergerd, I drafted this since early August but was crazy busy hence it took me a month to finish this ahhaha. Sorry, Nurul!

I have done this back in 2013 but no hal, no worries, I am a sucker for all these kinda questionnaires and hey, it's not wrong to build more connections so yey let's get down to this.

So I shall steal and then patch and stitch what I wrote before back in 2013 hehe.

The word Liebster derives from Liebe which means love in German. So I figured I am being loved by Miss 
Thank you thank you. 
ps: I love her bakes, photo-shoots, words and wow, I have so much virtual loving for this babe lah. 

Of course, being curious about what this award is for, I googled it. So before I rant off saying my thanks and dedications (...I would like to dedicate this to my Mom, Dad, my sexy-ass husband and Darya and my little man Rafael BUT most importantly whatever is left of my sanity for starting this rant-alogy), I found out that this award is a somewhat like a chain-letter syndrome BUT nevertheless a good way to build more contacts and ehem traffic yey ok shameless I know. Oh phew, that was a mouthful ay. Heh.

The Liebster Award is given to up and coming bloggers with fewer than 200 followers (obviously me). 

Ok these are my answers to the questions. Drumrolls and slow clap everybody! 

1. What is the one thing that you wish you never gave up upon?
There are so many things that I kind of regret.  Things that I wish I could pursue in my younger days. Education, travelling solo, not getting licenses are some (procrastinator here hello) Education is on the top list. After I received my Business Studies cert from Institute of Technical Education, my dad wanted me to take charge of the house. So straight after school, at the age of 20, I was already in the workforce. I was envious that I see friends still studying and working hard in school. I wanted so badly to do part-time, but the money I earned was not enough for me to further my studies. And by then I kind of lost focus on what I wanted to do and now my brains, oh my brains.

With that said, I aim to provide education for them minions of mine till forever and ever.  Go on my children, Umi approves. 

2. Tell me about the best vacation you've ever taken.
Wooooow this is gonna be a toughie. Every vacation has its best moment lah so it's kinda hard for me to pick one. All my running away and escapes are very dear to me haha, even though I may faced misadventures or sucky incident, I still treasure them! Having said that, I concluded that the best will be with my little babe, Darya. 



3. One thing you love most about the person you love most.  
Ha ha that sounds like a tongue twister / trick question eh? 

Ok, now on with the question. Aiya so many things to say about this one.  I pick him because without him we won't be baby-factoring awesome cute kids right? whahawhawhawhawhawhaw k TMI like that ar eh?

eh look got baby inside belly siah this photo.

See lah, I derailed from the subject. So how do you love most about someone? There are so many of his good traits and characters that I have slowly evolved mature into as we go further into the relationship.

If I have to pick one then, hands down it got to be his mild-mannerisms. I think I may have gushed and er verbal mushy vomit on how he is in a few posts.  Cliche but I must say I'm pretty lucky that he is a very understanding partner in this marriage-ship. He doesn't shackle me down or emotionally ruin me.  I am working on this mantra - Lesser Expectations, Lesser Pain. Haha but of course, everybody has their bad days lah ok. Sometimes very testing and very challenging ok.  I have to watch what I say, but I also don't want to stone-wall him but these 12 years with him, Alhamdulillah I'm thankful.

Can I also add that I love that we have almost the same interest? ALMOST lah. I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for extinguishing my temper, ego and anger all these years. Thank you for stopping me from doing things (or saying s*it) that I may regret later on. Thank you for being my support pillow. Thank you for taming this shrew. 


4. Where do you most want to travel, but have never been?

Hahahahhahaha ok again, this is hard to answer. There are so many places that I wish to explore but let's blame it on my fickle mindedness la eh. 

But I must say, recently my heart is saying when would be my time to make my journey to Mecca. I would love to bring my mom along as well if I could, insya'allah if Allah wills it.

5. No makeup Monday or no makeup every day?

No makeup every day because:
1. I don't know how to.
2. I don't even own a basic makeup set.
3. I will end up looking like a mess.
4. I will feel claustrophobic. Have you ever feel your pores screaming for help? No? Ok fine, it's just me then.

I swear I look so basic sometimes. 

basic mom here, waves your wet armpit in the air like you don't care

6. Do you see yourself retiring in the country you grew up in?
There are plans and talks but we will see how it goes. We can only plan but HE decides.  With my sister settling down in down under and the brother with his plans to camp base soon in the west, I need to spin the globe too ahha. 

7. Tell me a quote that you live by, if any.

Love yourself, me lah, love myself. Be kind to yourself.

Actually this phrase was given by a girlfriend during my down and out days.  She was disturbedly concerned that I on the verge of ruinning myself.  As if I have lost faith in faith. 

It took me a while to get this processed into my system.  I had very low self esteem resulting in self dissing.  Although I may seem like I am jesting about it but I was serious about it.  

I should give myself some credit right? I am hot for a 36 year old makcik correct or not?

*hands out barf bags*

I kid i kid. 

8. Shark diving, bungee jumping, or skydiving?

nope, nope and nope.

These would fascinate me 10 years ago.  Now I want to do safe adventures like cross-stitch and collecting stamps.


9. Can you remember your last dream? If yes, what was it.

I had nightmares. Pretty grosteque so nope, don't think I want to share.

10. What is your profession and why did you choose it?

I am a Pakaliaotary (everything I do) also known as a PA to the big bosses and Admin to the account officers.  I didn't choose it. It chose me ahahah. Ape je cheesy.  I have other visions but those visions need papers and qualifications.  Ceh ceh ceh.

11. If you were the president for a day, what is the first thing you'd do?
Alah boring. Not superheroic enough. Don't want to be prez. Next! 

Ok I'm not sure who to nominate. I don't know if anyone reads but whoever is, are free to do it and tag me! 

...hello new friends come my way!

Erm, pretty please with Puss In Boots big wide pleading eyes please.  

Friday, 21 August 2015

Welcome Back To Playing Working Mom!

A month now back to the crazy grind and it feels as if I jumped straight on the treadmill at 110.17600km/s.  Coming back to a messy desk and crazy voice messages and missed calls. Hello, who never help me pick up my calls ar!? *death stare*

I finally could breathe, a little now but yey me having to settle a huge amount of backlogs within a short period of time.  *sips cup of coffee and then later on chugging down a barrel of water*

Lunch time is my me-time and that also means me trying to manage my lunch hour well haha. Milking myself like a cow, eating and doing my Zuhur. *fans self, fans armpit*  You gotta do what you gotta do. So each time somebody dates me out for lunch, my brains will be busy calculating if I have the time left to do the rest of the deeds, while hoping the boobs don't go crazy squirting milk in the process heh heh. 

I have a couple of drafts waiting to be published. The only free-er time I have now is the shuttle to and fro work. So I will be keying in here and there and then got distracted with my Whatsapp chats or my games (yes I have installed games in my phone after many debates). 

Back home is chaotic.  Stepping into the house is like entering the war zone. Of course I understand my mom is also trying to adapt handling the 2 kids.  Both equally demanding.  Dinner time is a rush.  Then it was a juggle struggle between nursing the boy and putting him to sleep and trying not to make the first born feel left out. She's easily offended if I tell her to lower her screaming voice. Soooo, I need to be extra gentle with this one. 

Remember I ranted that the firstborn was a terror back in her baby days?  Well, I tell you, this little man of ours has taken over that position two-fold and is now the reigning champion.  His screams and cries... *rubs my chest, takes a deep breath*  It's ok, it's alright Erda. On top of that, my temper is making its appearance yet again BUUUUT as, per my mom, she noticed that I am much calmer and in control now.  So I guess I am improving in my anger management department ey? Hahaha.

In due time, I will readjust to the changes. I'm giving myself 2 years. Bahahahaahahah

All in all, I think I'm doing good. Coming back and hearing people saying  "We feel that this is the longest you are gone!" "Wah jialat leh when you're not around." "The office without you around walaowey like topsy-turvy!" "You see lah when you're not around I have to do your work! I don't know lah how to entertain the Ang Mohs!" 

Although here where I earn the dough, lacks the motivational nice words, I think those are enough to keep me motivated. Haha, think positive yo!

...and oh, yey to not having to think of what breastfeeding outfit to wear when i go out yey. haha.