Thursday, 28 April 2016

Matters of the Heart

This week has been quite eventful. 

I know I haven't bern penning down my thoughts. I am totally spent by end of the day after work or when I am free, my mind don't feel like speaking up, too many backspacing going on. 

The grind hasn't been too kind. I was choked slam back to back since Monday through Wednesday causing me pretty intense panic attacks. The screaming culture gets to me after 15 years. By end of Wednesday, my soul felt as if it had been butchered inside out, my soul drag around town for the world to see. It was tiring pretending i was ok and end of the day crash and burn from faking it.

It was a sign i guess when my mom said she don't feel good today. I was debating at 2am when I was sponging the sick boy. Will i even survive work with almost zero sleep? 

I need this break. From going mental at the grind.

Today, my mother in law went through the Angiogram procedure. Unfortunately, it caused complications to the wee old lady heart and now she is in the Coronary Intensive Unit Care ward and on the heart support machine. My mom came over and held her hand, stroking my mak's hand. She told her to stay positive and don't give up. Mak looks like she's giving up from the way she speaks. 

 

I fed her dinner and tears rolled down her cheeks. I held back mine. I wiped her mouth. I kissed her forehead and almost in a pleading voice telling her to please rest. She's due for a heart bypass surgery this Saturday.

You are in my doas Mak.

 


Wednesday, 27 April 2016

Love Wins

 I needed a break and was excited that we finally get to plan another short vacay with The Husband. Of course you know how rarely he is in town so all these little time spent with him means a lot to me. I'm sure the kids' feelings resonate with mine.

A few days shy of our trip, my mother in law went for a full body check and they found that her heart is not doing good. That she might have a heart attack anytime and best that she goes through surgery to fix it. That was the cause of her being so weak and lethargic even panting at rest. All through Friday night till Sunday, I looked at my husband with worries drawn on his face. I decided to forego the trip. It is only the right decision. He needs to be around his mother. Sacrifices have to be done.

Love prevails; I can't bear looking at his broken soul.

"I am not ready to lose mak"

Mak is my mak too.

Sunday, 17 April 2016

What If

No good, no good. I lost  my temper just a while ago. The kid keeps getting night fright (screaming crying while still asleep and sometimes even sleep walking or running out of the room while still in a state of semi-conscious of her surrounding). Tonight she woke up pointing at the kitchen and cried. As usual I will just calm her down and then slowly guide her back to sleep. If all fails, I wash her face, selawat, try to make her drink or go pee.

Tonight all of those failed. She screamed louder as I was trying to coax her. The more i tried to console, the louder and uncontrollably sobbing she gets. I got pissed and yelled at her to quit screaming and if she don't wake up and explain to me why she is crying, i'm gonna get real mad.

Her cries reached the annoying level. I got so mad and punched the bathroom switch and now it's broken. My knuckle hurt. The kid snapped out of her crying game, woke up and apologised to me over abd over. I was rambling about getting into deep shit with her Aby for breaking stuff at home.


Shithead.

Me of course.

Trying to shake this shaking feeling off right now.

:'(