Monday, August 29

Motherhood, Challenge Accepted

I had been tagged on quite a number of #motherhoodchallenge posts on Facebook. Bless these mothers' hearts for thinking of me. Let me walk through a brief description of this challenge:

#motherhoodchallengeI was nominated to publish a picture that makes me feel happy to be a mother. I am going to tag those ladies who I think are fabulous mothers. If you are one of the awesome moms, copy the text and paste it to your wall with picture and tag more mothers. THIS SHOULD NOT TAKE ALL DAY LADIES!!! #MotherHoodChallenge I nominate all my Facebook friends that are mothers!

It may sound sweet, sentimental and everything all nice. 

l never responded to the challenge. Of course lah I minded my manners and commented my thanks and d'aww for their versions of a happy mother. 

Why I refuse to do the challenge is because I don't want to come off as rude and sarcastic. But let me tell you what is my version of Motherhood challenge. The motherhood challenge is me being challenged as a mother on a daily basis. Challenged to be a human, a sane one, without me blowing my top. Challenged to be a proper human. To be able to bathe and eat drink at a proper timing and go do my number 2 without any interruptions please thanks. A challenge to get some proper shut eye. I want those goddamn sleep please! (why is it i am always the first man up and the last to go. And when you really want to sleep, your brains are making a lot of plans and decision makings?! WHy brains WHyYY!!!) A challenge to switch these negative thoughts off and REMIND keep telling myself I am doing fine, I am doing ok, stop second guessing myself.

 I am sure those SAHMs seeing me writing this post will go PFFT, whiny beesch! 

Yuh yuh maybe I really suck in this motherhood business, based on how I handle both kids.

But let's get real here, I am struggling. On top of my battle with depression and anxiety, it's not helping but I am no longer screaming for help. Why? Do people really understand what I am going through? Yes no? This is not a call for attention ok, I am struggling.  I don't want to come off as naggy by repeating what was said. I want to do nothing, curl up hide in the duvet. No doubt the husband in town lessen the tension and weight I felt I am carrying alone. BUT I still feel it's not enough. I feel as if I am running the show alone most of the time. Oh, such a lonely journey I am in. 

I salute you, single mums.

I have to deal with a super clingy boy who can't keep still (check out my whining about his falls and bruises on a frequent basis!) and a girl who once again refuse to go to school and is acting out. It is frustrating because I thought we were doing so well this year. We made a couple of changes and arrangements. Then it started again this month. 3 weeks of struggle and battle. This morning, I just picked her up while she thrashed about and started screaming. I think the entire neighbourhood could hear her.

I am exhausted. Physically AND emotionally.

You should see my tudong gone wild this morning, dishevelled with wet armpit and pissed off look while trying to hold on tight to my screaming kid and work bag.

But of course Alhamdulillah yes I am thankful to be chosen to be a mother but noppity nope I am not going to do the #MotherhoodChallenge. 

Sorry Mums.

I've been thinking too much
help me

Wednesday, July 27


I know, I know I am 3 weeks overdue.

The first 3 days of Raya was us away in London and jet lagging. The Husband came back home 1 week after Raya and we only had that particular 1 weekend plus 1 Saturday to ber-Raya before he flies off again last Sunday morning. 

We planned to take some photos on the first day of Eid in London at the park nearby but The Husband had to go off to work by 8am. I was running a high fever on the eve as well as Raya itself. I ended up sleeping myself away until he came back home at 10pm. 

See Kids and me looking sad The Aby had to go. And it was damn cold that day...for a summer! As you can see, we had Raya dishes buuuut we don't feel it because you know we didn't hear the takbir (of course listening to the takbir a few hours earlier on streaming radio online while still in Ramadan doesn't help ok. hahaha) and also we didn't get to see the usual tradition Raya eve's show (although how crappy it can be but it's the feels.)

Oh, that was a towel on my head. I wasn't going for the turban look ok. 

Officially our FIRST family photo a week later. We spent time at my inlaws. 

Kids were jet lagged for a good 1 week. Yep, waking up at 1 am and staying awake till 5 am does not do good for my sanity yo. More on London later on.


This year I only got 1 pair of clothes for us all. ONLY ONE ok. Especially kids! How can it be one! Next year I must make a point to get a least another pair. Imagine the OH NOS! TOMORROW NO BAJU! So that night, the washing machine and dryer got busy.

So the rest of the outfits are recycled from years ago


We have sworn off other lighter colors after last year's incident. I told The Husband, THIS IS THE REASON WHY I PREFER WEARING BLACK, NOTHING ELSE!

Poop, pee, sweat-stain and Raya food on my baju kurung made me want to just bail the outing and go home! I swear on black from now on till they turn maybe hmm 16. Otherwise, I will Morticia Addams myself till then. 


I tried to matchy-matchy with Darya on this one. Actually, I grabbed hold of my work outfit and yessar, can lah hor. Kids look moody again because we just send their Aby off to Bangkok. 

So to my quiet Muslim readers (I am not sure if there are any, you no talk to me whaaat ahhahaha) I wish to seek forgiveness for whatever you read and think that it was written about you and then you get offended, please forgive me for my shortcomings. 

Selamat Hari Raya 21 days late!

Tuesday, July 26

Happy Birthday Sister From A Different Womb!

I believe birthdays are days where you make dedications and shout-outs; where you would spill out your feelings about that birthday person. So here is my heartfelt entry ceedeebah. 

I am going to be a bit of an A-hole by sharing the limelight on your day. Bahhaa sorry. You wrote one on my 37th. 


My turn.

Dear girlfriend aka sister aka blood of 25 years. (it's actually 25 ok because we were 12 when we know each other. I don't care I don't want to count the year hahahahahaha!)

Facebook didn't remind me of your birthday, I remember because we share the same dates for our birthday! Wooo. Happy happy 37th woman dood! Look at how far you have gone; a mother of soon to be two! One bubba girl baking in the oven right now, how awesome kan see we like same same 1 boy 1 girl.

Although you are not (in fact both of us) the touchy-wouchy-huggy-cry-on-my-shoulders kinda person but you are a caring girlfriend by offering me food and watch cartoons to make me feel better on days I feel sucky. HAHAH. 

Happy 37 being on earth. You are nothing short but awesome and special to me. 25 years siol. From the stupid days of climbing trees and falling off them, catching lizards, falling backwards on swings, skateboards, gigs, hills, drains, bushes, god knows what other things la you fell into/off/in (i remembered calling you a 'falling idiot') and many many other stupid funny incidents with you lah - and that was why your nickname PHOBES (from Friends) got stuck till today ahhahahahahahaha. I miss backpacking with you lah siah! But priorities have shifted because now you are planning for your retirement home hahaha. Nevertheless, the backpacking memories will forever stay in my heart.

You are ever so talented; be it art and craft, musically, cooking and baking, finances, the list goes on and on and on. We may have our differences once upon a time but I am glad to have you back in my life!  May Allah SWT grant you barakah in your health, wealth, families and all your future endeavors. Insya'allah ameen!

My sister from a different mother and father, wa love lu many many lah. Let's go get that cakes and desserts one of these days, dood. Makan fest!


with so much love,
your neighbor just a few streets and basikal cycle away